Available at www.amazon.com, September 2010

Perez Hilton, Kiss My Ass! All Hail the Village Peasant!

I must confess that when I first heard of Perez Hilton, I thought he must obviously be a brother or a cousin of Paris’.  Maybe the Hilton family subscribes to the “Huey, Dewey, and Louie” method for naming kids.   

Then, I found out that he is not at all related to the Hilton dynasty; he’s a “celebrity blogger”.  I wasn’t exactly sure what that was.  Is he a celebrity blogger because he writes about celebrities, or did he gain his own celebrity status because of blogging?

Ever the inquisitive brain trust, I simply had to find out by launching an extensive research project.  Actually, all I did was Google his name; there are over three million websites that mention him. 

It turns out that Perez Hilton has become (in)famous because of his  propensity for dishing outrageous rumours and tell-all gossip about celebrities.  On his website www.perezhilton.com he takes shreds of truth mixed with generous helpings of hearsay and creates web pages filled with innuendo and speculation.     

It’s turned around and bitten him a few times.  There have been lawsuits, backlashes and spats, but he somehow seems to gain access to the A-List Hollywood parties and premieres. 

I could picture Perez Hilton’s arrival at a swanky star-studded Tinseltown soiree being similar to the recent arrival of a boatload of 500 Tamil refugees on Canada’s west coast.  You don’t necessarily want him there, but since everyone’s watching, making him leave would create an incredibly awkward scene.  Plus, if you let him stay, it could lead to good publicity. 

It occurred to me that since Perez is now a celebrity himself, and I’m writing about him, that makes me a “celebrity blogger” too.  I delved deeply into his website to discover his writing style and his formula for success. 

The first thing that struck me was the slogan highlighting the header of his site:  “Celebrity Juice, Not from Concentrate”.  I don’t know what that means exactly, unless it insinuates that he really doesn’t pay attention when he writes the stuff.

The site also identifies him as “The Queen of All Media”.  Like Howard Stern, the self proclaimed “King of All Media”, Perez has done television, radio, print articles, etc.

That’s when it occurred to me.  I was on the radio for years.  I’ve been on television a few times.  I write articles for magazines, and I just completed my first book, “MFN”.  Maybe I should have a really cool moniker too, but I don’t have the kind of money that Howard Stern does, probably not even as much as Perez Hilton.

I’m more like “The Village Peasant of All Media”.

That’s when I determined I’m making some changes to my website www.jeffreyalanpayne.com.  Here’s a rough draft of my new home page:

All the Celebrity Juice, No Rotten Fruit!

  • Lady Gaga is going out shopping this week, and she plans to wear something UNCONVENTIONAL!  You go Gurlfriend! AMAZING!  AMAZING!  AMAZING!
  • Brad Pitt is going to have lunch with a yet unnamed famous someone.  At the same time, Angelina Jolie will be lunching elsewhere with a different undisclosed celeb.  Maybe they share the same plastic surgeon!  LOLs!
  • Attention Kristen Stewart fans, KStew was seen having dinner earlier this month, and she was looking abso-boobilicious.

Perez is also famous for “outing” closeted gay celebrities.  Not to be outdone: 

  • A certain male celeb who works in show business is about to step out of the closet and announce his rainbow to the world.  Hint:  He’s currently not working on any stage, television or movie projects, nor is he anyone you’ve heard of.  

I swear all of this is true. 

Perez Hilton is a disquieting testimonial to the ludicrous evolution of our culture.  This waste of valuable oxygen, this flamboyant showboat of a man-child, this parasitic empty shell of a celebrity and unabashed crasher of parties occupies over three million websites.  Plus, he’s frequently seen on television and quoted in the newspaper. 

Anyway, I’ve got to get back to work on my new website.  Gosh, I hope Mel Gibson punches out a Hindu guy or something, today. 

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